I wanna know know right now.. is there one of you in the crowd. Are you gonna call 911? And spoil all of my fun... You crazy fools Waiting for my mom to come home, and for south park to come on. I'm a cool kid alright.

Mood: Get me outta here...
Listening to: Gotta Get Away - The Offspring
Reading: The Bluest Eye - Toni Morrison
Watching: none

I really need to get away. First of all I am fuckin sick of winter, it's supposed to be in the 40s by now, it's oooooh.. 19 degrees out. Fuck snow. I hate snow. I hate cold. I want to hang outside and draw and see if Paul wants to chill sometime outside of school. I also need money. Badly. Very Badly. And it's all my fault.

And also because of me, my house is a miserable place to be. Cool. I am so good at ruining life. Awesome. I mean it's not miserable all the time. But things are awkward and mom sees anything I do slightly wrong (like not picking up a twistie that was on the floor cause I was putting the god damn clothes way like she asked me to....) she gets mad and shakes her head. I mean she gets over the little stuff. And I try and be real nice to her but it's fuckin hard. I make dinner and do chores with no complaints. But how about when I first wake up and go into the bathroom to take a shower you say "good morning" not "what's that lawyer's number?" God damn it, I wrote it on the fridge.

I want to just get this whole thing behind me and go have fun. I know I don't deserve that. I don't care. All the god damn rich fuckers in my grade don't deserve all the shit they get to do.

I don't even know if I want to do something so much as I want to just get to spring, and summer so that everything will be over. I had a dream I was driving to michigan, for some reason Pratt got moved there, and like I had to wait for all this stupid crap. Like none of my clothes were clean, so I had to wash them and wait. And while I was waiting my sister was bugging the crap out of me and my mom was like "you were supposed to wash those last night" and I was like "I couldn't" and then I finally got in the car.. .and my dream was really nice. Just me driving on my own and I don't even think I ended up packin my clothes. I need to go for a long drive. I've been wanting. I don't want to leave forever, I just wanna go drive for a bit. Get out of this redneck asshole town.

_______________________________________
You fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then so is high school. - Ferris Bueller

I wanna know know right now.. is there one of you in the crowd. Are you gonna call 911? And spoil all of my fun... You crazy fools

Mood: indifferent
Listening to: As Wicked - Rancid
Reading: The Bluest Eye - Toni Morrison

So... heh interesting day today. Not gonna go into it... cause anyone I want knowing I've told.

Well except my dear davery... but if he goes on aim I will tell him

Oh and maya. but I know maya will be mad. I think. Maybe.

I'll update after march 22. well maybe before that.. but on this issue you'll have to wait till march 22.

You fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then so is high school. - Ferris Bueller

So my song describes what I'm doin. Yeah I'm a cool kid alright.

I wanna know know right now.. is there one of you in the crowd. Are you gonna call 911? And spoil all of my fun... You crazy fools

Mood: meh
Listening to: Waiting for Bud - Sublime
Reading: Welcome to Monkey House
Watching: some Denzel Washington flick my mom is watching

So .. this week was ok. Very boring. And boredom makes me restless and for some reason angry if it goes on for too long. Also my mom is on vacation from work, so every day this week when I come home, there she is, packing away. It makes me feel bad cause my gut reaction when I see her home when I come from school is "God leave me alone" I mean.. it normally only feels that way for like a second.. but I that's not right is it? I have a lot of gut reactions I hate and have to fight. It's really exhausting. Part of why I hate when people "don't be grouchy" "don't get upset" "don't get mad". Fuck you. I fight my emotions all the time for you, so that you don't get a little distrubed cause YOU can't fuckin leave me alone for an hour so I can relax and stop fighting myself for a bit. So when my mother is home all the time I have no time to be alone. To not worry about someone else's feelings.

Call me selfish. Call me cruel. Fine. I am. Anyway. These feelings are only part of me part of the time.. and most of the time I do like being around my mother. I just like it more if I've had time to myself before hand. I also feel bad cause all week my mom's been working so hard getting out house packed up, and when I come home I just want to sit down. I don't want to help. She's nice enough to let me. But then... I dunno I just feel guilty. I helped her pack Monday and Tuesday cause I had off school, but then Wednesday and Thursday I just sat around. I washed dishes yesterday for her so she could pack some more dishes. Today I worked. I dunno. I feel like there's two of me sometimes. Or three.

I definitly decided the thing I hate most is someone telling me what to do. I fight myself one what I should and shouldn't do enough for three people thank you very much. I don't care who you are, don't tell me what the fuck is best for me. Don't tell me what I can and cannot do and when I can do it. Fuck you. I don't tell you what to do. I may not like what you do, but unless I think you are in immediate danger I won't tell you what to do.

Oy. This week was boring, and I should have just been like "oh... whatever" but I'm just so irritated. Mostly cause of what I mentioned in my last journal. 5 plans to have a day (or at least night) or relaxation and contemplation... and all gone to shit. I'm workin on the 6th... I hope it works out, but I won't be suprised if it doesn't. If it doesn't I dunno. That will fuckin suck.

Anyway. I don't want to make you think I'm all mad all the time. That's not true. I've had a lot of good times this week too. Like gym class was really fun... yes I said it. I had fun in gym class. Our class is small and the girls are all really nice and funny. So... we're playing basketball and I suck.. but I did make 3 baskets today. two were lucky shots but hell they went in right? Also at work John was washing dishes and that's always fun. Chris was our only cook, and Dustin was doing fish for the first time.. he was kind of stupid about it. But nothing major happened. Chris and I didn't really talk. But whatever. It's not like we talk a lot on Fridays. I normally talk to him more on Sunday when it's just me an him working. Mostly cause it's slow... and what else are we gonna do?

Uhm.... I'm sort of freaking out about college. Haven't really said anything to anyone. It's more internal. Just so many people, when I tell them what I wanna major in, say something along the lines of "why don't you do something more finacially secure?" ... I don't know. I never have a good answer for them. "Why not try this out" never is suitable cause they retort "how much are you paying for school?" Erm. Shut up. That only irritates me. No what makes my stomach hurt is that there are juniors in my school, younger kids on this website that are better than me. Way better. It's not that hard to be better then me. Anyway. So maybe people are right... What the hell am I doing? I'm going to start college in Brooklyn, knowing that at that same time Nicole Gutzmer is ten million times better than me and she's starting her senior year that same fall. :slamdesk:

OK. Maybe I don't suck when I try, I mean not to brag, but just look at Ed. That's good work.... But.. lately.. I can't do anything right. And I can't think of anything to do. My hands won't make the images I see. and I can't see anything.

You fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then so is high school. - Ferris Bueller

Mood: irritated
Listening to: some Moody Blues song
Reading: Welcome to Monkey House

I hate winter. I've tried 5 times in the past week and a half to get my hands on some stuff... 5!!! Fuckin scare plants. Damn you winter Fuck winter. I'm really aggitated by this right now. I just hate that people are always like "yeah I know a guy..." Then their guy is either gone, suspended, or out. Fuck them. Don't tell me you can help if you aren't sure. Say "maybe, I'm not sure." Not "yeah, no problem" Cause there is a fuckin problem. It's not the scarcity that bothers me _(much) It's that people get me all excited... and then let me down. It just mirrors my god damn life too much.

Anyway... We started watching this fucked up anime version of Le Petit Prince. WRONG. So very very wrong. First of all the only thing is has in common with the book is there is a blond boy named Le Petit Prince. Which actually he doesn't call himself that, but in the movie he does. The rose that grows has a little person in the bud, which is freaky. And there's a new bird that wasn't there to begin with!!! Also the Little Prince is fucking annoying. In the book, he's soooo cute. In this he's a fuckin douche. Way to go anime, way to ruin a cute children's book. You would do that.

We're goin to watch the better version in a few days and then start a project. I liked the book, but this is going to get really boring really quick.

You fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then so is high school. - Ferris Bueller

So... ^alchemism bought me a subscription!

Mood: Happy
Listening to: none
Reading: Welcome to Monkey House

Wooooot!

Woooot! i say.

oh yeah my week has been crap, so this makes up for it